Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Not so much about turning 27, but the idea of having to celebrate what has become just another day in my life just because it happens to be the day I was born.
I haven't ever cared one way or another about whether or not I celebrated my birthday, even as a child, although my parties were always big, I didn't care one way or another if I had it. I know this because on my 9th birthday my grandma passed away and I wanted to cancel my party to focus on what was going on in my family rather then my birthday which was trivial in comparison.
It was a couple of days after my son was born when I hit on something, a realization that can shake a person to their core. I grew up the youngest in a large family of all girls. I was one of many and so I was never first in any one's affections. That is until I met my longtime boyfriend and the father of my child. Despite knowing I was first in his heart, I often felt second best to his grandmother who he, even to this day, has set on a pedestal. Now that we have a child together my ranking, I knew, would drop. I can't tell you how badly this scared me. I felt jealous of my son and the place he took in my boyfriend's heart.
It's been 11 weeks since my son's birth. I've gotten over my jealousy for the most part, mainly due to the realization that my son has become more important to me than my boyfriend so it seems to be a fair trade. But this year, more than any other my birthday seems so unbelievably trivial. And I think I finally understand why I have never cared much for my birthday. When you are the youngest of a large family, you get used to having every one's hand-me-downs, to not ever being the center of attention, to fading into the background (unless you are a spoiled rotten child who has never had to have hand-me downs and has always gotten your way). I think it goes against my nature to be the center of attention.
This resounds within me as being true. For Christmas my boyfriend's parents (after 8 long years) decided to get me something other than soap for Christmas, they got me a spa day. Being sore, tired and feeling like a zombie, I looked forward to a little pampering. I went and got my hair cut which was amazing, followed with an eyebrow wax, a massage and a facial. I won't lie- the only part I enjoyed was the hair cut. I opted out of getting a pedicure because I hate getting them. And now I realize I hate facials, and I'm withholding judgment on the massage because I honestly think it was just a really bad massage.
I want to be able to give my child a brother or sister in a few years. But taking a good long look at my life and attitude, I realize that having multiple children can have negative effects on a child's self-esteem.
